Corey visits Calgaria

Day 6 to Day 8 (19 June to 21 June 2007): Calgary, Canada

Calgary I found is a town a lot like Texas. Or more appropriately, a town a lot like what I imagine Texas would be like, as I’ve never been to Texas. It’s a big oil town. Most employees are employed by the oil companies, and most oil companies give their employees Friday off work. There’s also a bit of a cowboy, wild west feel to Calgary. Here, it’s not only acceptable to wear cowboy hats, it’s encouraged. There’s clubs with mechanical bulls, a club called Cowboys which, like Prince Harry, I decided to pay a visit, wide open plains, and of course, Stampede. Stampede is the biggest calendar event of the year in Calgary, and the biggest Rodeo-festival in the world. Unfortunately I was in Calgary a fortnight too early, and so missed out.

In Calgary itself, I didn’t do too much. I took the time to do some study which I had been sorely neglecting, and to catch up on some sleep. I also paid a visit to a gym. I may have mentioned this previously, but the people of Canada on average are of a higher attractiveness standard than most other countries I have been to. I think it might be in part because of the hugeness of their gyms. The gym I visited was out in the suburbs, and was massive, but apparently not as big as some of the other gyms in Calgary. It had swimming pool, an ice skating rink, an indoor running track and two floors of weights and cardio machines. I only spent a short time there, because Yvonne said she was going to pick me up by 3pm, and I didn’t want to upset her again. Last time I was late meeting her somewhere, I was physically beaten. I was a little scared she might do it again. And I had tried to fight back…

Corey visits the wild outlands of Alberta (and some of British Columbia)

Tuesday greeted us with clear blue skies and perfect t-shirt weather. We decided to drive out country out towards Banff, a little ski resort town. I took control of the driving, and with only a few minor incidents while I got use to everyone driving on the wrong side of the road, we arrived relatively unharmed in Banff. After a leisurely beer and an Elk Burger (okay but not great), we set off to Radium, another small town about an hour away in search of more wild animals to eat. On the highway we were lucky enough to see a black bear, wild goats and a flock of deer, but was unlucky not to have even clipped one with the car.

Radium is more famous for its hot springs than its wild animal burgers, and I had come prepared with boardies and a towel. Yvonne was not so well prepared, and after borrowed a ridiculous blue body condom, we went for a dive with the fat people. There was not one attractive thin person (apart from ourselves of course) swimming in the springs. Quickly losing interest looking at ugly retired Camper Van folk and German tourists, we decided to head back to Banff for a delicious steak, and then head back home the Calgary.

People from New Zealand aren’t from Down Under

Prince Harry, in his role as a British Army Officer, is stationed in Calgary. The week before I arrived, Harry and a few of his army buddies decided to visit a famous Calgarian nightclub by the name of Cowboys. You can check out the full story here: http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20070614/cowboys_harry_070614/20070614?hub=Entertainment.

Deciding that what’s good enough for British royalty is good enough for me, I let Yvonne force me out to get drunk on a Wednesday night. Wednesday night at Cowboys is ladies night, and so after paying the $20 cover to get in and buying a surprising not too expensive drink for Yvonne (and for myself), Yvonne leaves to check out the male strippers in the ladies only room. Being a little lonely, I make friends with a couple of ridiculous shots, but they quickly disappear. Yvonne finally returns once the ‘Thunder from Down Under’ boys have finished their show, and we check out upstairs. Getting to the top, I’m a little surprised to be greeted by a huge pair of naked breasts bouncing on a catwalk in the middle of the room. Connected to the naked breasts was a naked woman passing out t-shirts and hats. Clubs here are certainly different to those back home. She’s apparently at the end of her show, and we head back down stairs. I head to the toilet, and am accosted by drunken girls on my way out who try violently to make out with me. I consider it, but then see Yvonne staring furiously at me, and quickly brush past. I’m never this lucky when I’m out with the boys.

A girl walks past with Tequila bottles in holsters at her waist, and offers me a shot for the bargain price of $8. Always looking for a good deal, I fork over the cash, and take a shot. Eight dollars gets you more than the shot I realise, as my face is pushed between her breasts. She giggles around a little, and then moves on, looking to spread more of her love around.

We head up to a bar, and ask the bargirl for some photos. I order another ridiculous drink, a Gladiator, which I think from memory is a Jaeger depth charge into orange juice and redbull. Delicious and healthy.


It turns out the Down Under strippers are drinking at the same bar, and I introduce myself as a fellow Aussie. One of them tells me he’s Kiwi, and I begin to get furious. New Zealanders aren't from Down Under! This is another example of the Kiwis stealing all their famous assets from Aussieland.

Yvonne grabs me by the arm, steering me aside. I grab the Kiwis beer as we go and wander out to the dance floor. I think this makes us even.

We leave after final drinks have been called, and we walk out into a quiet pre-sunrise Calgary street. As I’m ordering a hotdog I’m propositioned for a threesome. But I am very hungry…